Why We Struggle So Much With Grief and Loss
Reprinted from The Magazine of Santa Clarita
September 2009
“I’m sure I have unfinished business in many of my relationships, but I would rather just
let sleeping dogs lie.” Many people feel this way when it comes to loss, trauma and unresolved grief events from the past. The past is over and done with, move on, keep going, the brain says.
let sleeping dogs lie.” Many people feel this way when it comes to loss, trauma and unresolved grief events from the past. The past is over and done with, move on, keep going, the brain says.
However, the heart has a logic all its own, something the brain doesn’t know about. The heart’s motto is: “I have to go out there and make yesterday different.” The brain thinks
that’s ridiculous, so the heart shifts into park and the brain winds up dragging along the heart like a defiant mule.
Studies show the average person will encounter 42 potential loss experiences, ranging from loss of job and loss of health to death and divorce, said Jeff Zhorne, director of The Grief Program, based in Santa Clarita. “If these losses are not resolved appropriately, pain and melancholy begin to erode our mental and physical health and the lives of those around us,” Zhorne said. “It’s like a low-grade infection sets in.”
Zhorne is personally and painfully acquainted with loss. Eighteen years ago his two
children, ages 4 and 2, died in a horrible auto accident in England. “It was terrifying, I was utterly helpless, I didn’t know where to turn,” Zhorne recounted. People tried to help by offering him phrases of supposed comfort such as, “Be grateful you still have your wife,”
“It could’ve been worse” and “You just have to let go and move on.”
“It could’ve been worse” and “You just have to let go and move on.”
Let go of what? Move on to where? Zhorne asks.
He related: “I looked everywhere for help. Trouble was, most books either told me how I
was feeling (I already knew!) or offered advice for getting through the day. I tried to next page intellectualize my grief and think myself well. But you can’t fix a broken heart with your
was feeling (I already knew!) or offered advice for getting through the day. I tried to next page intellectualize my grief and think myself well. But you can’t fix a broken heart with your
head.
After much education and training, and by sheer providence, Zhorne made some incredible discoveries about the process of completion and emotional healing. The result is The Grief Program. Its mission is to help hurting people heal the emotional pain in relationships
that have ended or changed. “This program provides tools to get unstuck and resolve loss sooner and more completely than any method I know,” he said. “It gives hope and a way
out of the dark.”
that have ended or changed. “This program provides tools to get unstuck and resolve loss sooner and more completely than any method I know,” he said. “It gives hope and a way
out of the dark.”
The Grief Program offers free community presentations and telephone consultations on the tools and
skills needed for working through significant emotional loss. Call The Grief Program at 661-733-0692.
skills needed for working through significant emotional loss. Call The Grief Program at 661-733-0692.
Living With the Empty Chair at Holiday Dinners
By Michele Buttelman
The Signal
“It’s Thanksgiving, I can’t believe he’s not here.” “I wish I could just cancel Christmas this year.” “How can I go on without her?”
The empty chair at holiday dinners can cause enormous pain. Whether it’s your 1st, 10th
or 50th year without your loved one, holidays are sad reminders of those we have lost.
or 50th year without your loved one, holidays are sad reminders of those we have lost.
“As a society we are not trained or prepared to deal with life’s most predictable event and
that is loss,” said grief counselor and author Jeff Zhorne, a resident of Valencia. This
includes death, divorce, breakup, retirement, empty nest, loss of trust or any of 40 other
losses we can expect during our lifetimes.
that is loss,” said grief counselor and author Jeff Zhorne, a resident of Valencia. This
includes death, divorce, breakup, retirement, empty nest, loss of trust or any of 40 other
losses we can expect during our lifetimes.
Maybe it’s a sad movie or listening to a friend’s battle with cancer, and slowly you feel your throat tighten. Feelings may bubble to the surface and get lodged there. Many of us next page
"The only emotion that can hurt you
is the one you don't acknowledge."
